Morgenliche Erektion
by Verboten Byacolate
Summary: IchiRukiRenji OT3. Three pigs in a blanket. "You can go now. Obviously, even in her sleep, she prefers the one who tops the best."


Requested by noobsmooched on LJ.  
**Prompt**: morgenliche Erektion (trans. "morning wood." German/English slang for "erection.")  
**Pairing** (actually, it be a threesome): Ichigo/Rukia/Renji  
**Rating**: T+ for mature implications.  
**Genres**: romance/humor

"This sucks."

There were three pigs in the blanket. The one that spoiled the stew scowled over the very, very welcome piggy.

"No kidding."

"I wasn't _asking _your _opinion_," Renji growled. Ichigo met him glare for glare.

"I wasn't giving any, damn bed hog. I was just agreeing with you."

Renji made a noise in the back of his throat and laid his head back on the pillow. Not willing to continue that stupid staring contest with that idiot Ichigo, he gazed instead at the real reason for his frustration. Just looking at the porcelain, dark-featured (less-than-a) maiden clenched at his guts and squeezed a few butterflies out to freely tickle his throat. That is to say, seeing the normally-fierce shinigami in such a state of tranquility-- eyes closed, lashes twitching in the middle of a dream, even breath: the works-- was enough to make him feel like a flushing rookie again. However, at the same time, Renji's frustration tied his nerves in a knot, giving him the will and want to smash Zabimaru against a few things.

Like, maybe, some strawberries, since the goddess beside him had her arms and legs around one of them.

"I don't know why the hell you're complaining," he cursed. Ichigo's eye gave a tiny twitch.

"Well, you know, it _wouldn't _be so bad if a certain monkey wasn't present."

Renji's own eye flinched reactively.

"... _What_?"

"You heard me."

Lightning sparked between them.

"Are you implying," Renji began slowly, so that maybe this idiot could catch on, "that _I _shouldn't be in _my _bed with _my _childhood friend-turned-lover, and that _you should_?"

"Pretty much."

Yes, Zabimaru could cut through strawberries quite nicely.

"Don't screw with me," Renji hissed, seething with malice. He wanted to kill the kid, oh did he ever. But Rukia, who'd draped herself over him (maybe subconsciously realizing that this would be the situation) acted as a damn-good barrier. And how could he possibly kill the one he'd made love to just hours ago?

Rukia, sound asleep, made a noise.

Renji, wide awake, felt the throaty sound reverberate through his eardrum, down his spine, and into Little Renji. She twitched, repeated the sound, and he could see that Ichigo was in a similar state.

"... I hate her," the carrot top muttered, cheeks reddening in the light of dawn.

Renji hated that Ichigo shared not only his lover, but even his blush.

"Oh yeah? Then get outta my bed. Better yet, get out of Seireitei!"

"Not exactly possible right now," Ichigo replied, and... _was that a smirk?!_

Renji wanted the boy dead. Now. He prepared to lunge and, a split second later, a miracle happened. Rukia instantaneously turned on a dime, and re-attached herself to the malicious redhead. After catching him completely off-guard, it was now Renji's turn to smirk.

"You can go now. Obviously, even in her sleep, she prefers the one who tops the best."

Ichigo scoffed. "You mean, _obviously, _even in her sleep, she's trying to keep you from making a fool of yourself."

"When she wakes up, I'll kill you," Renji replied, eyes glinting.

"You sure? Without my distraction, she may notice how... _little _you are."

"Rukia." Renji lightly jostled the shoulder of the naked woman attached to his arm. "Wake up so I can kill this asshole."

"If you two don't shut up, I'll kill you both," she snarled between clenched teeth, and with both hands, tugged the blanket away from both of the hot-and-bothered men, who now had absolutely no coverage.

"Oi! Give it back!"

"Don't hog, Rukia! We'll be quiet!"

"Come on!"

"Rukiaaaa!"

To very naked grown men were simultaneously kicked to the cold floor by one sore, exhausted wench. "Go take a shower," she said coldly before burrowing under the covers. Renji and Ichigo slowly exchanged glances.

"... Told you it was small."

-pervy fin-

**Another drabble posted on my writing journal, about a week ago.  
Reviews make me smile and dance and sing and unleash the butterflies and brah brah brah. Tell me about the rabbits, George!  
-Bya**


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